Although
the signs apparently have always been there, my perception and acceptance
has
been anything but accepting or simple.
When
I began noticing the possibility of what I might be dealing with, it was
1990.
I
was stepping out of an abusive marriage, and in the coarse of my recovery,
I began to notice
little
things, about my behavior, and other occurances that began to strike me,
as unusual, different,
or
that I just began to wonder why, about.
During
that marriage, a therapist, that I was working with in 1985, remarked during
one session,
that
I had the wisdom of a 50 - 60 yr. old, and the nievety of a 19 yr. old.
I was 29, at the time.
And
to me, the two, did not seem to fit together.
I
could not conceive how a person, could have
an
intellectual level like that, and the innocence of a teen. It just didnt
make sense.
Little
things, that I began noticing, and that for whatever reason, I had never
questioned before,
but
began to wonder about, included:
1)
Handwritting, that would change, sometimes in mid sentence. As well as
the vocabulary being used.
2)
My perception and thoughts, would change in mid thought. Many times, I
felt as though I was having a conflict of thought and opinions with myself.
3)
Vocally, I felt that I was speaking as a child, not an adult,
using a childs vocabulary, a childs concept.
4)
In my journaling, I was writting of being or feeling as though, I was or
was like, a camelien, somehow. Never feeling as though, I was myself.
And
always feeling detatched from the feelings that I would write about on
a daily basis.
Then
there were things, I remember experiencing, even back as a teenager, and
sometimes younger,
that
I had never been able to explain:
1)
I could not understand, why I had no memory of my life, prior to the week
that I turned 5
years
old. I had never been able to remember anything before that week, except
for 3 or 4
puzzle
pieces or fragments, that still had no picture to fit into.
2)
A trance like state, that seemed to be a normal part of my sleep pattern.
An area, or state of mind,
that
I would enter, as I would be dozing off to sleep, that I seemed to have
no control over.
A
place where I would be, while still being aware of everything that was
going on around me, in
whatever
surroundings, I was in at the time, that
I
was sleeping. Like I was somehow,
consciencely
aware, of what was going on in
a
room around me, while I was in this other
world,
within this state of mind. And I could
freely
speak to people in my real surroundings,
and
respond to them, while in this state of mind,
and
taking part in whatever was going on,
within
this dream world.
3)
An ability to see my future, and sometimes, the
future
of others, close to me, before they ever happen. And going through a lot
of feelings of dajavoo,
as
a child. More recently, these awarenesses
seem
to presenting themselves, about 2 years,
prior
to the actual occurances' happening.
In
the last 7 years, I have learned that several sensations, that I would
experience, generally at
night,
and that I had experienced for years,
were
actually, my conscience awareness, of alters. My denial, and inability
to understand what
I
was dealing with, had left me with only one way, that I could handle the
presence of these alters.
That
way, being through acknowledgement of physical sensations.
One
of my biggest break throughs, was when
I
was able to associate the sensation of floating, with the concept of a
spiritual guide and teacher , that I eventually come to accept and trust.
In
the last year, I have begun to accept and
learn
about the Lil's within this system, as well
as
others, that are new to me. I am learning that someone within this troupe,
chooses to communicate
with
me, by taking on the appearance, of a real person, in my present day life.
Presenting
themselves,
in the trance state, as someone, that the majority, apparently, feel comfortable
about, and
feel
is a person that we are safe, around. And maybe, this one who chooses to
communicate with
me,
in this fashion, is the same one, who wrote of feeling like a camelien.
Hopefully,
time will tell.
I
am also learning, that some within this troupe, are what I call reflections,
or reflectors. They present themselves, to the outside world, with the
behaviors, characteristics, and feelings, of the Lils within the
troupe.
The reflections, are not children, themselves.
They
are adults, who seem to be reflecting, or mirroring everything about the
Lil's, for the Lils.
A
way, of protecting the Lils, and their presence, from the outside world.
But in a way,
that
allows the Lils to interact with the outside world, when necessary.
